


Feel Free to Submit (Your Resume)

by MercuryHomophony



Series: Behold the Field in Which I store my Headcannons (TAZ) [4]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Bad Ending, Dismemberment, Spoilers to Suffering Game Episode 2, Taako POV, The Suffering Game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2016-12-01
Packaged: 2018-09-03 14:35:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8717674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercuryHomophony/pseuds/MercuryHomophony
Summary: Taako considers a change in career.





	

“Congratulations!” A pair of twin voices echoed from around them, filling the space. “After all of that - the battles, the puzzles, the hardship - you’ve achieved your goal!”

A spotlight flashed to life in front of them, and the three adventurers were left blinking for a moment. Magnus and Merle, with their lack of dark-vision, recovered first, and Taako shortly after. He grimaced against the glare, resisting the urge to complain. The last three rooms had been equally flashy, and as much as he loved a good show, even he could get tired of seeing glitter.

Just his bad luck that his dark-vision would be working against him.

Magnus and Merle were staring, transfixed, when his vision finally came back, and he followed their gaze to the platform illuminated by the spotlight. There, in the center of the room, lay the Animus Bell.

“Although-” the male elf added, and Taako could almost hear the pout to his voice, the mocking of a falsified realization, “I suppose this means you _do_ have one more challenge, don’t you? He and his counterpart appeared on either side of the pedestal, posing in such a perfect way to display their… assets, while still drawing the eye to the Bell.

The female elf leaned in, a smirk twisting her perfect, beautiful lips. “You still have to resist its thrall, don’t you?”

The voice of the Animus Bell was almost tangible, wafting through the air towards them. To Taako, it was like the smell of fresh baked bread, like comfort and a home and an aunt he’d only barely come to know before she was taken away from him, too, but who had taught him so much, but now gone-

He shook his head, memories falling away. That wasn’t _now_ , he told himself (and the Bell) irritably. That was _then_ , and it had been a long time since _then_. The pressure in his mind lightened somewhat, and he looked again, reassessing the situation. The twins were leaning in, both towards the boys and the bell. Taako might have been worried about _them_ falling prey to the thrall, if not for the fact that they didn’t exist. And, judging by their faces, they were less interested in the temptation of the Bell, and more interested in the pain the three of them would have to endure just to get the damned thing into a bag and out of Wonderland.

Taako looked over at his team. Merle looked… ill, but otherwise unshaken. Taako didn’t know what kind of past Merle had, but everyone knew someone who was dead - maybe he was thinking of his cousin, or Phandalin (at that thought, the Bell prodded a little harder, but he forced it away. That had been their mistake, he’d own that, but to take the Bell would mean that they weren’t fighting to _stop_ things like that anymore, would mean giving up). Magnus, on the other hand -

Oh, Istus, Magnus looked _pained._ Taako could hear the whispers in his ears, felt the thrall of these items, but they didn’t hold the same weight - he’d been young, he’d grown to accept it, and elves lived a lot longer than humans, but Magnus… Magnus, who kept a wedding ring safely on his person, at all times. Magnus, who sometimes wept in his sleep and called out for a “Julia!” Magnus, who’d had the same gutted expression when the Chalice had made it’s offer.

Taako was an idiot, but it was hard for even him to not add that up.

Magnus took a shuddering, unsteady step towards the Bell, and Taako could see the rising glee on the faces of the elves, felt a wash of cold _rage_ flow through him, actual _hate,_ their fashion be damned (but damn, they were fashionable), and Taako moved to stop him.

Merle beat both of them to it, a few strong, steady strides across the floor - and then he was standing between the elves, before the pedestal. He gave each of them a pointed look - they didn’t appear nearly so entertained now - and knocked the Animus Bell into his pack.

There was an abrupt silence as the Animus Bell’s influence on them was interrupted, followed immediately by a deep, shaky sob from Magnus as he sank to his knees.

Merle didn’t even move to show he’d heard, still staring the elves down. “We did it,” he told them firmly. “We _won_.” The implicit “We’re done here,” the challenge of it, hung heavy in the air. Even as Taako went to offer what little comfort he could to Magnus, he kept a wary eye on the two vogue elves, staring back down at Merle with inscrutable expressions. For a moment, Taako worried that something _else_ would be thrown at them, that some other awful trial would be forced upon them before they could leave (he was down to cantrips, Merle was out of healing, and Magnus had rushed in _enough_ ).

Slowly, the corners of their lips started to turn upwards, and then a burst of confetti exploded from the ceiling. Their visage flickered, vanished, and reappeared further away, striking a new pose under a new spotlight.

“Congratulations are _truly_ in order, this time!” the woman cheered, fingers interlaced with her male counterpart’s as they balanced one another out in an excellent act of showmanship. “You’ve reached your goal! You’ve fought your way through! You’ve completed your task, and earned your reward!” A fanfare played out from the darkness, more lights sparking to life in all different colors, flashing across them in (what Taako hoped) was a final display. “Wonderland thanks you for your patronage! We hope you feel _changed_ by this, that the struggles you’ve suffered have made you _stronger_ , _better_ -!”

“-wiser, too!” the man chimed in. Taako narrowed his eyes, gaze darting around the room, looking for traps. He didn’t consider himself paranoid. His catch-phrase “Taako’s good out here” was more a symptom of laziness, not fear. But in this place, you couldn’t afford laziness.

It was exhausting.

“But alas!” Jessie continued, “your time with us… is at an end.” To her acting credit, she _did_ sound regretful, although Taako wasn’t paying attention, and missed the casual glance she sent his way. A rumbling did catch his attention, drawing it back to their stage. The light-show around them was dying down, and behind the Vogue elves, a gateway was opening.

He could see daylight. He wondered how long they’d been inside.

The elves straightened up, their sharp silhouettes outlined in the light of the door. In unison, they bowed. “Thank you for playing! Please, tell your friends, tell your family, tell everyone you meet! Wonderland is the place to go to get exactly what you need!” Another fanfare sounded, before they exploded into confetti.

Taako, hands still on Magnus’s shoulders, stared at the place where they had been, brow furrowed. It… it couldn’t be that easy, could it? It was over? Just like that?

His gut told him something wasn’t right, but… There was the door.

“Well, fuck!” he murmured, and no wisp of necrotic energy wafted from him to the ceiling. Maybe it really was over.

Merle half turned, as if he too were afraid the exit was too good to be real, and beckoned to them. “C’mon, let’s get out of here while we can,” he rasped. Taako looked back down at Magnus, checking in on the fighter. Slowly, the human got to his feet, accepting the little help that Taako could offer. They walked over to Merle, and together they made their way to the door.

Magnus went first, in less of a rush and more of a resigned trod. Merle followed him, and Taako was hard on his heels-

The doorway vanished, leaving him in the dark. Behind him, he heard the click of a single light.

 

—

 

They were outside. They were finally _out_ , Magnus staring up at the afternoon sky, Merle watching him warily, ready to intervene with comfort if necessary. They were back where they’d started, outside of Wonderland with its many billboards and flashing lights, and -

Something was wrong. He glanced over his shoulder. The blank, closed off wall stared back.

“…where’s Taako?”

 

—

 

“Sorry, we almost forgot. We can’t let _you_ leave just yet!” Jessie’s voice called from the dark edges of the room. Her voice didn’t echo and reverberate like it had throughout the show, lacked that larger-than-life quality that so encapsulated their whole deal.

Taako had been a performer once. He knew what it felt like to be backstage.

He turned around. Predictably, Jessie and James were standing in a spotlight. Their costumes had changed, though. Where once they had gaudy shoulder-pads and capes, tights and heels and sparkles, they now had formal suits. _Fashionable_ suits, of course, and they still had the whole purple/lime-green scheme going. James had also donned a gorgeous pair of golden, cat-eye glasses, Jessie matching him with a watch chain and cuff-links that caught the light just perfectly.

Always perfectly. Taako squashed the jealousy rising in him.

With a snap of their fingers, a scroll appeared before them and unrolled, hovering between the two of them as they looked it over. “Now, at the beginning of your adventure here, I believe you mentioned something about submitting your resume here, correct?”

Oh. Oh no.

“Well, I _had_ , but I was thinking, you know- you see, I actually already _have_ a gig, and as much as I _love_ what you two got,” he gestured to them with the Umbrastaff, keeping it carefully between him and them, “going on, here, I have to finish that first. So why don’t you just sort of… keep me in mind, maybe, I’ll send you a resume, you give me a call _later_ , and when I finish up this gig, I’ll like, stop by and check in with you. Maybe.” He glanced off to the sides of the room, but there was too much shadow to see. In his head, he started running through his cantrips, searching for one that might help him out of this mess.

Their twin grins looked more like masks than expressions. “Oh, but that would be so complicated! Besides,” James tapped at the scroll, “you’ve already survived your trials, so you meet current criteria - and, we have your resume right here. And we must say, it is _extensive!_ ”

“We look for a particular kind of employee, here in Wonderland,” Jessie continued. “Someone who can appreciate the fashion-”

“-glamor-”

“-showbiz-”

“-spotlight-”

“-and other rigors of the stage,” Jessie finished, running one nail down the scroll. “And it looks like you’ve got that covered, both from what we’ve seen here and your past occupation!”

“Which brings up another excellent point.” James’ grin tightened into more of a leer. “There’s a certain level of… well, ruthlessness that comes with this job. Our goal here is to put our participants through the ringer. We certainly can’t do that if they have an overabundance of sympathy, making you a perfect candidate!”

That pulled him from his thoughts of escape. “Hold on-” Taako bristled, but she cut him off before he could continue.

“Magic Brian. Gundren Rockseeker. Barry Bluejeans. Trent. Captain Captain Bain. Barbara and Marvey and Little Jerry and Jerreeeeeeee. Hurley and Sloane.” The last two were like a punch to the gut, but Taako just grit his teeth, trying to figure out where they were going with this. “Jenkins, although you could say he had it coming, I suppose… Oh, and our personal favorites from this list - Seventy-eight souls in Phandalin, and, at number one: Forty souls in Glamorsprings.”

“So, uh, half of what you just said? Not on me,” Taako said, feigning apathy. “Barbara is the one we cut in half, right? I’ll take that one. And Phandalin is like, only a third mine. I’ll take MB - twice, actually, since I kicked his butt post-mortem, but the _rest_ of them…” They started to laugh, first giggles, then full blown laughter, and he trailed off, frowning. “I think I missed the joke.”

“Oh, darling Taako, we’re not _blaming_ you for these things!” Jessie chuckled behind one hand. “Far from it. You’ve actually proved our point perfectly!”

He blinked, thinking over it. “…I have?”

“Why yes. Think about all the people who have _died_ , that you had a hand in. Some people would get all bogged down and _ethical_ about it, but you!” Her grin widened. “You, Taako, just push it aside! You could hardly care less!”

Well… that was pretty true, but like hell he was going to _say_ that. “That doesn’t make me unsympathetic.”

“Alright, how about we look at the people who are still alive then, hmm? Angus McDonald, Klaarg, Roswell, Ren. NO-3113, and Lucas Miller.”

James looked over at the list again, frowning and tutting. “Mmm, a much shorter list, I’m afraid.”

“Lives _ruined_ , because you were there. And instead of taking ownership of it-”

“-you stave off any sort of feeling at all!”

“I didn’t _ruin_ their lives!”

“Really?” Jessie sneered. “Think again. Angus was going traveling with a precious family heirloom, from the only member of his family who even _liked_ him, and guess what? It never arrived.”

“It could have,” James added. “But it didn’t. Strange how that worked out, huh Taako?”

“And Klaarg. Finally broke free of the slavery the Miller family had put over him, when suddenly you come waltzing in, and now he’s enslaved to you. And he can’t even dislike you for it.”

“That’s not-” Taako protested. “He was in a zone of truth, he said-”

“It’s a funny thing,” James interrupted. “You’re forced to say something enough times, you begin to believe it’s true.”

“Roswell and Ren. Roswell forced under your command - hmm, I’m starting to think you have a kink, there - and made to sacrifice themself. And Ren, darling Ren, who grew up admiring you - forced to find out that her idol was a scam artist and a scoundrel.”

“I made amends,” he defended, weaker now. Around them, something was moving, just within the darkness. It reminded him of the necrotic energy this place had been harvesting from them, this whole time, but it moved with purpose, circling the three, pulling closer. His magic was nearly depleted, he had to figure a way out of this, and soon. He didn’t want to find out what the consequences were, otherwise. “Roswell is free, and Ren-”

“She forgave you, of course,” Jessie soothed. Her voice carried with it a warmth that drew him in, away from the edges of the room, away from that cold beast that was nearing, ever nearing. He took a step forwards. “That’s what she said. And you moved on, from all of these, without a second thought. It’s admirable, and certainly a trait we appreciate here in Wonderland.”

The cold was starting to get oppressive. He couldn’t see his breath, but he could feel it, the temporary warmth dissipating in front of him. It was starting to hurt his head. “I’m- I’m not-”

“A bad person?” James tutted again. “Taako, dear, listen to me - what kind of person are you when you’re so heartless that only _Death_ will take you?”

If the mention of Hurley and Sloane had been a punch to the gut, then this was a stab with a broadsword. They… had a point. Wasn’t that one of his greatest fears? That no one else would have him?

_‘Why are you doing this, Taako? Why aren’t you in a safer career?’_

And Kravitz was the only one who had shown an actual interest in him… except for the people who he’d charmed, and maybe Jessie was right, because now that he thought about it, they’d all been overly affectionate, maybe that was something he craved and had never thought about…

“At Wonderland, we want our winners to be the best… and we want our _employees_ to be even _better_. But that comes at a price, Taako. One you won’t have to pay!” They smiled, and with the cold pounding in his head, he started to lose track of which one was speaking. “You already have the professional distance necessary to really push our contestants, and we must say - looking over your resume, your magical creativity in tackling problems is incredible! We think you’ll do a fantastic job building problems for the contestants.”

He was standing in front of them. When had he gotten so close? Had he moved, or had they? He blinked, slowly, and shivered as he felt that frigid presence, still moving, still hungry, drawing itself up behind him.

He couldn’t make himself look. He just stared ahead at the Vogue elves, who clapped their hands, blinking the scroll out of existence, and smiled at him.

“So?”

“What do you say?” They extended their hands, and he could feel warmth emanating from them. That… that shouldn’t happen, they were only holograms… maybe it was from the light they were standing in? “It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity!”

Something was resting on his shoulders, colder than anything he had felt before… but not painful. Numbing, maybe, and uncomfortable. That awful pounding in his skull was starting to subside. What had the question been? He looked up, at the two hands extended to him. He looked at the two Vogue elves, waiting for his decision, beaming, colored like nightshade and key-lime gogurt.

They would be fine without him. There was only one more Relic, right?

And after that…

Well, he’d need something to do after that.

He took their hands, and they were solid. They pulled him in, embracing him, and he let himself melt into the touch in a way he hadn’t for _years_. They were warm, they fought off the cold creature around them, but he could hear it laughing.

“Good choice, darling,” one whispers in his ear.

“Now, to get you ready.”

They pull away, but he can still feel the connection, the warmth radiating from them, and they inspect him. A few finger-snaps, and suddenly he’s got a new wardrobe. The B.o.B. bracer won’t come off, he explains to them, and he’s worried it will clash with his new uniform, but they wave the concern away. They’ll take care of it later, they say.

Next, they ask him to hand over his gear, and he does - he won’t need any of it here, not anymore. As he unloads his things, piece by piece, he remembers how he’s used them in his adventures. They ooh and ahh over the Flaming Poisoning Raging Sword of Doom, and tut sympathetically when he hands over the Cloak of the Manta Ray, regretting only that he never got to use it. They ask for the Umbrastaff… and he gives it to them. It protests, opening and closing weakly, but he doesn’t. He can feel a spell warming up, but then Jessie takes it, and it falls lifeless in her grasp.

They say it will make a lovely prize for someone, and he cares, only insomuch as he’ll probably get to see people fight and struggle and break and die before anyone gets to claim it.

He’ll probably _make_ people fight and struggle and break. He thinks about Leon, and Garfield the Deals Wizard, and smiles. They were right, this job would suit him very well.

“Oh, there is one more thing,” James finally says, after they’ve gotten rid of the gear, after they’ve decided on what he will wear, how he will pose, how he will present himself to disarm the contestants when they first arrive in Wonderland. “You won’t be needing all of… _that_.”

Taako looks over himself, then back at them. He’s given them everything he has, so he’s not sure what else he’s not going to need. “All of…?”

“Your _body,_ dear,” Jessie picks up, flickering and appearing closer with each flash. “It’s just dead weight! Besides,” she adds, flexing her fingers, very sharp, almost blade-like claws appearing from her fingertips, “you’ll look so much _better_ without it!”

James strikes from behind, and the pain begins, and it is all Taako knows for a long while.

 

—

 

“Hmm, yes, get rid of _that_ …”

“Won’t be needing _this!_ ”

“Or this.” There’s a loud clang as an arm, still in its silver bracer, falls to the floor.

“Any of it, really!” They laugh.

“What a remarkable new recruit we have here.”

“Ah ah, careful James. This must be done _delicately_.”

 

—

 

Taako becomes aware again, in a slow retrieval of his sense of self.

He feels lighter. He feels _warm._ He glances around the room. Jessie and James are still there, watching him, anticipation clear in their eyes. He’s still wearing his new outfit, but it fits so much better now, contours perfectly to his shape. He smooths his hands down over it, marveling at the silky feeling, the way it clings _just right._

On the ground, a few feet away, is a pile of meat.

It’s the only thing in the room, aside from the three of them, and the twins are clearly waiting on something from him, so he walks over and looks more closely.

The second he thinks about _walking_ , he blinks and he’s there.

He could get used to that.

The meat is sliced into long, thin strips, still bleeding over the floor. At the top of a few strips, he can see sections of a familiar face.

It’s his body.

“Well?” James finally ventures.

“How do you feel?” asks Jessie.

Taako stares down at his own body, feels his holographic form flicker, at his own volition, and for a moment, he’s unsure how to feel.

But then, there’s that cold presence again, and it’s such a nice counterpoint to the warmth he’s exuding. It’s comforting. It knows him, and he knows it, this dark abysmal ringmaster of Wonderland.

He smiles. It grows into a giggle, then a chuckle, then a laugh, and Jessie and James laugh along with him, open their arms and welcome him into Wonderland.

He knows who he is. He knows what he is here to do.

He is an M.C. of Wonderland, and it is his job to make sure their participants are brought to the point of breaking.

For their own good, of course.

 

—

 

Syd didn’t like this place at all. It was far too gaudy for the human rogue, and if she’d been a louder person, she might have voiced her protests.

Unfortunately for her, Chrak was a louder person. The dragonborn hadn’t shut their trap the entire time they’d been down the path, and it didn’t look like it was going to stop anytime soon. Her only solace was Hrrn, their catfolk witch, who was sharing sympathetic looks with her as Chrak charged ahead.

Their names came up on the board, a door opened up for them, and they went in, only to find themselves in a pitch black room.

“Well, this is off to a good start,” Syd finally said after half a moment of nothing.

“I’m glad you think so~!” a lilting voice called, and then suddenly there was a spotlight. The three of them blinked the spots out of their eyes, and whoever had appeared waited patiently. When Syd’s vision cleared, she could see a raised stage and runway before them, and standing at the top, silhouetted in the light, stood the figure of an elf holding a parasol and wearing an enormous sequined hat and matching miniskirt.

The light dimmed slightly, and she could see his(?) face now. He tilted the hat up, a soft grin alighting on painted green lips.

“Syd. Chrak. Hrrn.” He greeted them one by one, lights coming up on them as he did. “Welcome to Wonderland!”

The following spectacle was one that Syd would remember for a very, _very_ long time. The lights, the costume, the way this elf threw himself across the stage in poses that one might have thought anatomically impossible. By the end of it, Chrak was screaming and whooping in excitement, and even Hrrn’s eyes were sparkling in delight.

Syd wasn’t so taken, and maybe the elf sensed that, because as he floated in a seated position at the end of the stage, holding his parasol up to shade himself from the light, he met her eye and sent her a grin and a long, deliberate wink.

“I’m your host, Taako Taaco! And let me just say,

_We_ _’re gonna have a great time~!_

**Author's Note:**

> There... is probably going to be a sequel to this. If you like that idea, please go thank Glitchedwitch.tumblr.com. She's to blame/thank.
> 
> EDIT: Hi Guys! I have a plea for you! I am in desperate need of funds. If you like what I write, and would like to help me out, please check out the post below for more details. Thank you!  
> http://mercurial-writ.tumblr.com/post/159047597334/help-a-writer-out  
> Thank you guys so much for reading and commenting and supporting this~!


End file.
